Eurotoilets

How can I put this? There are “facilities” in Europe that the average traveler is not familiar with, and may have to face at a time of desperate, diarrhea-induced panic. These are the bidet, and the two-footed “straight shot”.

A bidet is that funny-looking oval porcelain thing with the faucet that shoots straight up. In the words of Crocodile Dundee, it is for “washing off your backside,” and is also a primitive form of birth control. It is not for laundry, nor is it for washing dishes, nor is it normally used for an ice tub to cool off beers and grapes, although I have seen it used for all of those things. Unless you are extremely and justifiably angry at your hosts,defecating in bidets is not a good idea. The French love these things, for some reason.

A “straight shot” usually comes as an unpleasant surprise to most tourists. The door opens, to reveal not a lovely porcelain throne, but a very shallow basin about three feet square, with a couple of raised places to stand upon, and a small, evil-smelling hole leading to a seething troll-infested pit too horrible to contemplate. Evidence of the aiming ability, kidney function, and recent diet of the last five or six users can be all too apparent. Toilet paper may be only an ancient memory.

These facilities (the norm for most of the world, by the way) are most common in France and southern Europe. They may make an appearance in public toilets anywhere, however, as they are cheap, easy to clean and maintain, and difficult to vandalize. If you don’t like them, realize that the other option would probably be no facilities at all. Call it a cultural experience, and mind your aim. Using one of these while drunk and balance-impaired can have disastrous consequences.